Mission ItaSaku
by Byakushi1
Summary: Sakura-chan still doesn't have a boyfriend! In which Naruto plays matchmaker and enlists the help of two ordinary teenagers to help pair up the two unlikeliest people in Konoha. Non-massacre


**Title: **Mission ItaSaku

**Author: **Byakushi1

**Pairings: **Uchiha Itachi/Haruno Sakura

**Genre: **Romance/Humor

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs only to Masashi Kishimoto

**Summary: **Sakura-chan still doesn't have a boyfriend! In which Naruto plays matchmaker and enlists the help of two ordinary teenagers to help pair up the two unlikeliest people in Konoha. Non-massacre

* * *

"NARUTO!!!" Everyone ran for cover as a pissed off Sakura stormed into Ichiraku's, where a certain blond ninja was slurping down his fifth bowl of ramen. The hapless eighteen year old jinchuuriki shrank back when he saw his angry teammate; her hair dyed yellow. Not blond, but a yellow as blatant as Naruto's own shocking hair.

"Eh heh heh," Naruto chuckled nervously, as he slowly backed away from his angry surrogate sister. "It looks good on you, Sakura-chan! Really! Heh heh…" He let out a yelp as the furious kunoichi let out a snarl and slugged him through the wall, much to the dismay of the shopkeeper.

-

"Hn." A tall black haired girl stepped from the Forest of Death out into the training grounds. Another girl, shorter than the first, stumbled after her, half hysterical with fear.

"That is the last time I'm EVER going into that hellhole!" Menchi gasped. Kino stoically surveyed their surroundings, noting the craters left in the ground and several decimated trees.

"It appears we are in another dimension. Most likely a non-massacre alternate universe in the _Naruto _world." She observed.

"What makes you say that?" asked Menchi. "I mean, I know we're not in San Diego anymore, but how do you know this is an AU?"

"I just saw Uchiha Itachi back there in the forest. Judging from the lack of ANBU trying to catch him, this means that he didn't kill his clan. If he had, Konoha would be in an uproar, and there would be ANBU crawling all over the place, not to mention we would hear Sasuke screaming 'I'm going to kill you, Itachi!'"

"Ohh…"

"There seems to be a commotion going on over there." Kino said, nodding toward the lake. They went over to investigate. What they saw shocked them to no end.

-

"Sakura-chan! Have mercy, please! I promise I won't do it again! I'm sorry!" pleaded Naruto, flinching as Sakura's fist drove into the boulder behind him.

Her eyes flashed as she ground out, "Sorry won't cut it, idiot. My hair's going to stay like this for God knows how long since the dye won't come out! I'm going to pound that brainless head of yours to pulp."

"Umm… excuse me; I don't think you should hit him anymore. He looks like he's going to collapse any minute now." A mild voice came from behind them.

Sakura turned around to see a girl smile hesitantly at her. She had shoulder length black hair and warm chocolate brown eyes, with a pair of glasses sitting on her nose. Behind her was another girl; taller than the first, with long raven hair tied back in a low ponytail and obsidian eyes. She stared at the formerly pink haired girl with a cold, calculating gaze, as if she was studying her every move. Sakura inwardly shuddered at the girl's stare.

"Oh, I didn't see you there. I'm Haruno Sakura, and this stupid fool here who dyed my hair is my teammate, Naruto."

Naruto jumped up and grinned foxily. "Yup, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm going to the Rokudaime Hokage!" He then proceeded to rant about ramen.

-

Kino felt her left eye twitch. She had heard more than she wanted to know about ramen in the last few minutes. She did NOT need to hear how the Hokage wannabe had once ate more than fifty bowls of ramen, only to throw up and eat more right after, thank you very much. From the exasperated looks Sakura was giving the orange idiot, this must be a regular occurrence.

Kino was intrigued. She knew all about these ninja from watching the _Naruto _anime at home, but seeing them first hand filled her with questions. Kino wanted to jump up and down with excitement, but didn't. After all, she had a reputation to uphold. And cool people do not jump around like hyperactive monkeys on crack, dammit!

'_**C'mon, you know you want to.' **_A little devil Kino appeared on her left shoulder. **'No!' **A little angel Kino popped into existence on her right shoulder. **'Do not listen to it, Kino!' **It yelped as the devil poked it with its pitchfork. _**'Just do it, for God's-'**_ here it paused. _**'Wait, why did I say that? Well, you know what I mean. Hurry up before-' **_there was a loud bang, and the devil fell over dead as the angel stood over it with an AK-47. It turned toward Kino with a scary look in its eye. **'If you do what that thing said, I swear I'll hunt you down.' **Having made its point clear, it blinked and cheerfully waved, then vanished.

-

While Kino was mentally recovering from the shock of one of her conscience shooting the other, Sakura was studying the two with an appraising look in her eyes. She gave the duo a scrutinizing glance. "I don't think I've seen you guys before. You're not from around here, are you?"

The first girl broke into a huge smile and chirped, "Nope! We're not from around here! I'm Menchi!" She jabbed her thumb towards her companion. "And that's Kino. Don't mind her, she's always like that."

"Ne, Menchi-san," began Sakura. "Why did you guys come to Konoha?"

"Well, we didn't really choose, ya know? We were just walking home from school and this HUGE," Menchi stretched her arms out as wide as she could for emphasis, "toad dropped from the sky and squashed everything within a fifty meter radius. Then it started talking! The next thing we knew, we were in the Forest of Death with a giant snake ready to eat us."

"Yeah, I know what you're talking about. They must've been the leftovers animal summons from that time in the chuunin exams." Naruto growled; his eyes narrowed. He started grousing about gay pedophilic snakes and how he'll rip out that bastard Orochimaru's tongue the next time he sees him.

Sakura ignored him. Smiling, she nodded and asked. "Do you need me to show you around?"

"No, we know our way around." Kino muttered, her face rid of the slightly traumatized expression she had on before.

"Okay then," Sakura turned and started back for village. "If you need anything, just ask Hokage-sama for me."

As soon as she was gone, Naruto beckoned the two girls closer. He paused dramatically, before whispering, "Will you help me set up Sakura-chan with Itachi Uchiha?"

"WHAT?!" Menchi screeched.

Naruto shushed her, glancing around quickly to make sure no one heard. "Shh…People are going to hear!"

In quieter tones, she repeated her question. "What?! I mean, that's great, but why those two? And why do you want us to help? We're not even ninja!"

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "You see, Sakura-chan is the only person out of the gang who hasn't found a girl or boyfriend. Everyone else already has one. Hell, even Lee has a girlfriend. Tenten and Neji are already married and have children! Do you understand the severity of the situation?" his voice, soft at first, increased in crescendo, until he was nearly shouting, despite his own warning.

"Dude!" Menchi drew back, alarmed. "It was just a question! No need to get all hyped up about it!"

"Sorry." Naruto took a deep breath and said. "As for you're other question, I asking you two since if I tell anyone in Konoha, I'll risk having it overheard by Ino. If she hears, the whole village would know before you can say 'ramen.' Besides, even if I loathe the whole Uchiha clan, with their _'I am so much better than you so bow down to me wretch'_ attitude, anyone can see they're attracted to each other, but are too stubborn to admit it."

"No, it's a stupid idea." Kino said flatly. She whipped around, and with a dramatic flourish, started to leave. Naruto squawked in dismay and threw himself at her feet, hanging on to her legs in a pathetic attempt to stop her, heedless of her cursing and kicking.

"Pleeaassee!!!" He wailed, peering up at her, looking much like a kicked puppy. Menchi took pity on him and stooped down to whisper in his ear.

"_She adores animals! Hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge!_ _If you want to keep her here, I suggest you make a deal involving dogs! Now!"_

Naruto's desperate voice halted Kino in her tracks. "Please! I'll give you…" He thought for a moment, then said, "Kakashi-sensei's summoning scroll! The one with those dogs."

Kino appeared in front of him so fast that it looked like she'd been standing there all along, and then seized his hand in a crushing grip. "You got yourself a deal!"

"Soo…" Here Naruto stood up, dusted himself off, and wriggled his eyebrows, flashing a sly grin. "If this actually works, we'll get to see whether that emotionally constipated Uchiha has any hormones, or if they'd been surgically removed."

"Technically, you can't extract hormones," Kino pointed out. Menchi smacked her on the arm.

"That doesn't matter, Kino. Aren't you a big ItaSaku fan? This way you'll get the see the action live, instead of just reading it on fanfiction. And I doubt Kishimoto-sensei will bring back Itachi from the dead and pair him up with Sakura, who's supposedly heartbroken and emotionally scarred from Sasuke's betrayal."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Nothing." Menchi said quickly, with an innocent look. "What do you want us to do?" She tried to divert his attention from what she just said. Fortunately, the gullible blond didn't notice anything amiss.

"Menchi-chan, I want you to give Sakura-chan dating tips. Subtly though, so she won't know what you're up to. Oh, and be sure to dress her up so she looks as sexy as possible." Here he starts drooling at the mental image of Sakura, before he got bopped on the head by Menchi.

"You two-timing pig! You're cheating on Hinata!" She frowned, and added. "Besides, you make it sound like I know how to do all those things, which I don't. I've never even been on a date before!"

"Ah well, just do your best." Naruto waved his hand dismissively. "Kino-san, you're going to persuade Itachi to take Sakura-chan out on a date, and give him all those dating tips and whatnot." He squirmed uncomfortably at the force of Kino's stare.

"_What_," she drew out the word slowly, "makes you think that I would know anything concerning _men _and their disgusting habits? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a _girl_." With that she stalked away.

"Kino's a bit, um, _sensitive_ when it comes to her gender. She got mistaken as a boy one too many times, so please, don't imply she's a guy again, if you value your ability to reproduce. The last person who said she didn't look like a girl got castrated with a pencil." Menchi winced. "Then she turned into a raving lunatic and demolished downtown San Diego before she was caught and forced into a straitjacket."

Naruto twitched, and chuckled nervously.

Menchi continued, "Well, if you want me to make Sakura look, quote _'sexy,'_ end quote, I can do that, despite having absolutely no experience in that field whatsoever."

Naruto cheered and grabbed her in a rib crushing bear hug. "Thanks, Menchi-chan! You're the best!"

"Let me down!" As soon as he did, she took off her shoe and whacked him in the face. "Don't do that again! I almost died!" When she caught her breath, she told Naruto, "As I said, I can do that, but how are you so sure that when Itachi sees her, he won't lose all of his famous self control and ravish her on the spot?"

Upon this revelation, the lanky teenager turned stark white. "Y…You're right! That psycho's going to force himself onto Sakura-chan!" He looked horrified at the thought of anyone touching his precious Sakura-chan. "Forget it! The deal's off!"

"Oh no you don't!" Menchi grabbed his arm before he could bolt. "You're the one who came up with this whole scheme in the first place! Now you're coming with me to Sakura's place. March!"

-

Itachi gave an inward sigh. Genma was making a fool of himself again. The former chuunin examiner, who had forced his ANBU captain to celebrate with the rest of his team at the bar, was currently on stage, stripping and rubbing himself against a pole. The rest of the drunken idiots in the bar seemed to enjoy it, seeing as there were catcalls and shouts of approval.

Someone sat down next to him. Glancing at the newly arrival, he was surprised to see a young girl, probably a few years younger than his foolish little brother sitting there staring at him. She was pale, with long black hair that was tied back in a fashion similar to his, and cold onyx eyes.

"You are Uchiha Itachi, correct?" Her voice was deep, like a boy's, but he was too polite to say that. Instead, he just nodded once. "Please come with me. There is a matter I must discuss with you."

As he hesitated, the girl said, "I'm not an enemy shinobi. What I need to say is not for all ears." At this she glanced distastefully at Genma, who just returned and was lounging next to Itachi. "Not unless you want me to embarrass you in front of everyone here." Suddenly a hand whacked down on the table in front of her. She slowly looked up. What she saw obviously didn't please her, thought Itachi, judging by the look on her face.

"Heeyy, captain!" Genma slurred. "Who's that with ya, your girlfriend? What a looker, though a bit too young, ain't she?"

"Shiranui," Itachi said coldly. "You've had enough to drink. Inform the rest of the squad that we are leaving."

"Talk that way about me again and I will neuter you, trash." The girl glared at Genma, who didn't seem to notice.

"Don't be like that," he purred, sidling closer. "Why don't you ditch Uchiha over there and come with me?" He put one of his arms around her shoulders.

Multiple things happened at once. The bartender tapped Genma to give him his drinks. As quick as any ninja, the girl wriggled out of the drunk's grasp. Genma then signed his own death warrant by reaching for her again. She whipped out her mechanical pencil (the one with the metal point, mind you) and flung it at him, nailing him in his, _you know, _with deadly accuracy. Then she grabbed Itachi by the collar and towed him out of the bar, leaving behind utter chaos and a certain womanizing idiot (though he certainly won't be much good for that _now_) bleeding all over the floor.

They ran until they reached the Uchiha compound, then she dragged him into his room and locked the door. Itachi immediately grabbed her and shoved her against the door.

"My team mate was castrated right in front of me. And it is doubtful he will recover." he stared at her apathetically. "Give me a good reason why I should not behead you where you stand."

The girl snorted. "That pervert had it coming to him. Besides, he'll recover. Though I doubt he'll be able to have children anymore." She eyed him critically, and then muttered to herself, "I don't know what Sakura-san sees in this guy."

The girl pried his hands from her throat, and then informed him, "I'm Kino. And you're Uchiha Itachi. No, I'm not a ninja, as you can tell."

"Why are you here?" Itachi said in a hard voice.

"Simple. My mission is to get you to court Sakura-san."

It took a lot to make Itachi Uchiha surprised. But this definitely did. "Pardon?" He wasn't sure if he'd heard correctly.

"You heard me. And I know that you secretly harbor a crush on her. You're just too arrogant to tell her." Kino ignored his icy glare as she plowed on ruthlessly. "Don't deny it. That's why I'm here though. I'm going to make you suck up your pride and ask her out on a date."

Itachi eyed her warily as she advanced toward him, a sinister grin spreading across her face. "Don't worry," she crooned. "I won't hurt you. Just fix up your hair a little. It'll be all right."

His hands went up to his hair. "You're not touching it."

"That's not for you to decide. If you won't let me, then fine." Kino sniffed. "I'm sure _Sasuke _will enjoy a date with Sakura-san." She turned to leave.

"Fine," Itachi relented begrudgingly. "Don't mess it up."

Kino smirked, triumphant at her success. "Oh, I won't. Much."

-

"You're absolutely fabulous!" Menchi gushed, clapping her hands together. "He's going to be awestruck when he sees you, Sakura-chan!" With that, she put the finishing touches on her hair and spun her around.

Sakura stifled a gasp as she looked in the mirror. Menchi had definitely done a good job, despite her saying she has no experience at this stuff. She even washed out the hair dye. Sakura's long (now pink) hair was loosely curled, cascading in waves down her back. She didn't have a lot of makeup, only a bit of eye shadow and some lip gloss. Menchi had picked out an emerald green off-shoulder blouse along with a black knee length skirt, saying the colors bring out the color of her eyes. The outfit was completed with a pair of stiletto heels.

She wobbled precariously as she stood up. Then she yelped and stumbled toward the door as the bell rang. Who she saw on the other side took her breath away.

There stood Itachi, awkwardly holding out a Chinese bellflower. He wore a form fitting black turtleneck sweater with a pair of civilian black slacks. Sakura's inner fangirl positively _squealed _in delight, drooling over his machoness.

"Kino told me these were your favorite," he muttered, shoving the flower into her hand.

"Thank you, Itachi," she said sincerely, holding it to her nose and taking a deep whiff.

"Shall we go?" asked Itachi, holding out his hand. Sakura looked at him. He had a warm look in his eye that made her blush.

"Yes," she smiled. "Let's go."

-

"Well, we kept our word," Menchi grinned happily, her eyes glued to the figures in front of Sakura's apartment, apparantly not caring that hiding in someone's bushes and stalking them was against the Konoha law. "They are just so _cute _together!"

"Yeah yeah, now hand over the scroll," growled Kino, with a sour look on her face. She wanted to play with Itachi's hair some more. Lucky bastard just had to have to softest, silkiest hair she'd ever seen. But he didn't let her. Ungrateful ass. Kino turned away from the scene with a repulsed expression as the two lovebirds that had just gotten back from their date started having sex in public (not really, but what else do you call it when a guy has his hand shoved up the girl's shirt, the girl's hand in the guy's pants, and both their tongues down each other's throats?). Disgusting. But, _if it were yaoi_... Kino's eyes glazed over at the prospect of some guy-on-guy action, oblivious of the strange looks her companions were directing at her.

_"Oi!"_

Startled, she snapped out of her reverie as Menchi pinched her viciously. Her gazed wandered dazedly, before sharpening and focusing on a sweating Naruto. She raised an eyebrow, silently reminding him of their deal.

Naruto gave a nervous laugh. "About that… I…kinda…didn't tell Kakashi about the deal, so he doesn't know that you're supposed to have it."

Kino began to chuckle darkly as she cracked her knuckles. Naruto's eyes widened as he slowly backed away from the bushes and fled, with a seriously angry girl right on his heels, threatening to tear out his spleen, rip off his balls, shove them both down his throat, and then cut out his larynx.

Later, in the hospital, Naruto babbled that he saw Kino's eyes glow an eerie red and that he swear that she's related to the Uchihas. Tsunade dismissed this as a concussion, but she had to admit, she was impressed. Not many people could pair up two of the deadliest ninja in the village and live to tell the tale.

Naruto let out a yelp of pain as she accidentally pressed down too hard on his broken ribs. Tsunade wasn't very sympathetic. After all, Naruto should know better than to anger a girl.

* * *

_the end_

* * *

Kino and Menchi were all a figment of my imagination, so there's no need go and search the _very_ long and confusing list of Naruto characters. Except the girls' names, which I got from _Kino no Tabi _and_ Excel Saga._

-

And yes, only one person wrote this series, trilogy, whatever you call it. So, yeah.

-Authoress #1

* * *

_Well, if you like the story, it would please us greatly if you would leave a comment. We hope everyone enjoyed it!_


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